Thankyou everyone for all your messages of support and love. It’s really good for J and me to know that there are lots of people there for us if we need them. Spike is still in hospital, which is hard to bear, but not as hard as it was at the start. We know that he will be out of there eventually. I didn’t expect a lot of things that have happened to me over the last two weeks, but what I really didn’t expect was for me to be a casualty of the situation. I’m suffering from depression, and I think it’s safe to say, given that I’ve just had baby Spike, that I have Post Natal Depression. While I knew this could happen, I didn’t think it could happen to me. I’ve read that it’s more of a risk for women who have premature babies. And women who are high acheivers. And women who are prefectionists – otherwise known as control freaks. I think I would add that it is probably more likely for women who have multicultural families. Anyway, it’s really good for me to write these things down, and it’s also really good for me that people who know me are reading what I have written. My entire landscape has changed, and at the moment I’m trying to work out my place within it, and to create a haven for my soul.
November 24, 2006 at 6:54 pm |
I’m very sorry to hear your spirits are so low. You have loads of friends, including Bu and I who are thinking about you and sending you thoughts of love. We’re always here if you need anything. Just remember that everyday’s a new day.
November 27, 2006 at 12:59 pm |
Meena I think you are incredibly brave!
I think that depresssion in a lot of ways is quite a normal reaction to such a traumatic experience on top of the overwhelming changes to you life and identity that becoming a mother is.
I know when I had Molly and had such a traumatic birth I was devestated and in the following months I just had to shut down parts of myself to be able to survive day to day.
It always amazed me that it could be so difficult and traumatic and no-one ever talked about it (well not in public anyway) I would look at all these people walking around and think I can’t believe all these people have mothers that have given birth to them and done the incredibly hard work of looking after them.
I guess it is part of our gender legacy that women are just expected to deal with all of this and not talk about how hard it is. I guess this is why I think your blog is so great.
All I can say is that it will get easier – much easier.
And of course to say Spike looks gorgeous!!!
November 27, 2006 at 1:41 pm |
Hey Meena,
I don’t know what to say really, but I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you (and little Spike).
I think you’re doing amazingly well to cope with all that’s been thrown at you in the past two weeks.
Lots of love,
Hazel
November 27, 2006 at 4:52 pm |
Hi Meena,
I stumbled onto your blog and your last entry reminded me of what it was like to leave my son (the second one) in hospital after he was born. As a fellow mum, i think you fit right into our sorority.. post natal depression not withstanding. The mixture of anxiety, insecurity – mixed with an overwhelming love for the child we carried in us and sometimes a numbness that helps us to operate on automatic… As long as we remain self-aware then we r ok . and i don’t think there are specific criteria for PND to happen – it jut does and its not choosy..
Keep writing and write to Spike as well. He would love to know what his mum feels about him.. Hang in there.. I think u r doing great!
November 27, 2006 at 6:25 pm |
Hey there Monique and Wani, thanks for the comments (This is starting to be a real Blog..)
It’s at times like these that I really feel the limitations of language – or at least the english language. I’ve called what I was feeling Post Natal Depression. If you look at the individual words, I think it describes it well, but I believe a medical professional might say that I wasn’t clinically depressed at all. I’ve had a great many responses to my posts, many from mothers, some of whom are actually mothers of my friends. One thing is clear: they all idenitfy with what I’ve been feeling. This is absolutely astounding to me. When I think about it no-one REALLY told me it was going to be like this. When I think about it really hard I realise there was one person who warned me, my mum. She has told me from a very early age about post natal depression, about various people she knows has had it, about people she thinks have had it. She also told me about the repercussions. The years and decades that a woman can be lost in the world of depression if she doesn’t get help ASAP. I was very lucky to have my mum. Lots of other people are not so lucky. Mum tells me that in her culture (Chinese Malaysian) PND is unheard of. Yes that’s right it’s UNHEARD OF. In my family’s culture they practice comething called confinement, I think it’s common in many of societys. Confinement means that for 30 days after a woman gives birth to a baby, she is waited on hand and foot, she is to do nothing other than the essentail things she needs to do to look after herself and her child – and everyone helps her do this. My Aunt is actually hired by families to look after woman in confinement. My Uncle who already has one live-in servant hired another woman to help my aunt with her second child. No matter how poor a family is they will save up enough money to make sure the new mum and bub are looked after. The whole community recognises that being a mum is hard, and very important, and every time you have a child, whether its your first or your fifteenth you need to be looked after beacuse you are vulnerable and weak after having carried a baby for 9 mohths, going thru childbirth, and then dealing with all the emotions surrounding the event. There is recognition of what it is to be a mother
In the West we don’t have this, the sorority is silent, letting new mums find out on their own, only offering support when they cry out. We need to speak about these things with more than just other mothers. There is nothing to be ashamed of in admitting that being a mum is the hardest thing – and most worthwhile thing you’ve ever done. If we speak out and let the whole community know that mothers should be respected, and are actually an important force of nature, we might not have so many depressed mothers.
November 30, 2006 at 1:02 pm |
Hey Meena,
Yes there is definitely a conspiracy of silence. I guess in some ways it’s hard to tell a friend that is expecting just how hard it is because you don’t want to freak them out. But at the same time it can be really lonely when you look a these glowing creatures in the ‘mothers’ magazines and think what it wrong with me – why do I find it so hard.
I think there is certainly more dialogue going on around childbirth and being a mother now, in fact I know someone who is doing a PhD on motherhood. There is an interesting site called Mothers of Invention – I can’t find the site now will have to post link later. Their tagline is something like ‘ My children are my only consolation for motherhood – which sux’
I think our generation of women has very different expectations of what we want out of life compared to our mothers generation. We want to be able to have meaningful work and a family with recognition of the value of the work we are doing as mothers. The problem is that pretty much the whole cultural history of our society has attempted to prevent this. Anyway just to say we are really the pioneers in a lot of ways and hopefully our daughters will have some role models as to how to manage all this – and stay sane.
December 1, 2006 at 5:51 am |
hey Monique I aggre with you.
I guess i wpould just add that we need teach our daughters AND our sons about the importance of all this.
August 29, 2007 at 5:00 pm |
Hi Meena!
I am so glad we ‘bumped’ into each other the other week. And you gave me your blog address and I have just read some of your writing and some responses.
As we talked the other day…and my baby was born premature too and the whole experience was a roller coaster..and so few of my women friends had babies and my mum was far away…i reckon it has been the most challenging experience in my life!
I have to go to work now, so won’t write more now..just to say – how moving it was to read about your experiences – and to know you, as well, as that lively intellect and spirit ( in 2003? in my doco class!) and now to know a bit about your journey as a mama..and to feel linked to you in that experience too.
I have put my blog address: http://jenithornleydoco.blogspot.com/ and you will see what I am up to with this new film i have been doing as a doctorate at UTS – when you have a moment drop me a line and also send me the name of the friend you mentioned re web site design..
and, hey, let’s meet up at the village square one day soon!
fond regards
Jeni thornley